Fear & Loathing
by sparklingdiamandis
Summary: Songfic based on 'Fear & Loathing' by Marina & The Diamonds.


I've lived a lot of different lives. Been different people many times. I live my life in bitterness. And fill my heart with emptyness. I don't know where to turn or go.

I hate myself and my life. It's not like anything good ever happens. I'm so confused about everything. Being in love with my best friend doesn't help either.

I don't ever plan to tell Nelson that I like him. Particulary because I don't want him laughing in my face. I mean, he says he loves me, but probably not like that. I don't want to feel rejection again. My hearts been broken too many times. I don't think it's ever really fixed itself anyway.

I didn't think anyone would want to listen to me. So I never try to start conversations. It's not like I want to go back to those meetings where I used to talk to someone who made out I was mental, which I'm defitenely not. I'm just depressed.

But today, I saw it for the first time that some people actually care, and that they don't actually want to pactronize you. Nelson wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong earlier. I think he's noticed a change in me again. He's known me for too long and he's figured me out when I'm acting differently.

Not that I told him I was feeling depressed again. I couldn't bring myself too. I told him to fuck off and to leave me alone, that I would deal with it myself.

He hung his head in sadness when I told him this.

"There is no crime in being kind, Stevie. Not everyone is out to screw you over"

Maybe he just wants to know my thoughts so he can help me. I know Nelson won't judge me but I still don't want to tell him. It causes me too much depression actually bringing up the subject.

I've never harmed myself or starved, but I have suffered from depression for a long time now. It is starting to get worse, what with me not wanting to take the pills the doctor gave me.

I think Nelson found out about this because I swear he was watching me as I threw the pills away at school.

I saw him again in my last class before I went home. His eyes met mine, and he looked saddened.

"Stevie, you don't have to live your life in fear. Please, let me help you like I did before" he whispered.

I watched as a tear rolled down his cheek. I ran up to him, throwing my arms around him, hugging him tightly.

"I love you" he whispered, pulling me close to him.

"I love you too, but not now. I need to be alone" I told him.

I pulled away from him, tears forming in my eyes. I stood up on my toes, and kissed him gently on the cheek. I put my hand over my mouth to stop the sobs as I turned and ran away.

I hated hurting him but I just wanted to be alone. I ran all the way to my apartment and I've been sitting here in front of my mirror all night trying to figure out what to do and say to Nelson.

What if he only loves me as a friend? I can't deal with yet another guy not liking me back. I just feel so lonely. I want Nelson to be my boyfriend, not my best friend, but I just can't bring myself to tell him. Why would he want someone who is depressed anyway?

Then why didn't you just tell him you were depressed again because you were off your tablets, Stevie? Why didn't you just pour your heart out to him so he could help you and save you, once again like he did before countless times.

I don't wanna live in fear and loathing. I wanna feel like I am floating. Instead of constantly exploding, in fear and loathing.

I stare at myself in the mirror, my eyes falling upon the pair of scissors in front of me next to my make up.

I stand up slowly, taking the scissors in my hands. I pull them open and clasp them around the ends of my hair, before snipping it off. I watch as it falls past my shoulders and onto the floor, finally feeling some kind of relief and release from all the stress I've been feeling.

I go round my hair, cutting it off. I go round and round, neatening my hair up. I put the scissors down and look at myself in the mirror.

I then look down on the floor, where now most of my hair is laying. I sit back down on the chair, my mind going back to myself.

I started thinking about finding myself, how I'd created so many identities before, to hide who I really was. I've got different people inside my head, I wonder which one that they like best.

I'm done with trying to have it all, and ending up with not much at all. Though I suppose I have Nelson, if he decides to stay with me, even though I am a wreck.

I pick up my phone which is now covered in hair. I wipe it off the screen and unlock it, to find fifteen missed calls from Nelson, and one text message from him. I went and opened it.

"Please be safe. No matter what, I love you. Remember that"

I closed the message so I could check the time. It was now one a.m. I sighed, throwing my phone across the table, where it hit my lamp, causing it to fall on the floor and smash.

Suddenly I was in darkness. I sighed in frustration, pulling myself out of the chair and walking up to the light switch. I tried flipping it on, but then it hit me that Nelson had leant me the lamp because I couldn't afford my electricity bills this month.

I swore under my breath, walking up to the balcony doors and stepping outside. I turned around and leant on the railing, enjoying the cool breeze that blew past my face.

I wanna be completely weightless. I wanna touch the edge of greatness. Don't wanna be completely faithless, completely faithless.

Suddenly I heard a faint knock at my door. I stumbled through my apartment, almost tripping over a pair of shoes before I reached the door, opening it slightly.

Nelson stood there, peering in from around the corner. His eyes widened when he saw what I had done to my hair.

"You.. cut your hair?" he asked confused.

"Yeah.. I don't know.. it gave me some kind of release" I said quietly, opening the door completely, stepping out into the hall with him.

Nelson nodded, sighing as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"I needed to tell you Stevie.. that I love you"

I sighed. "I know Nelson"

"No, listen to me Stevie. I love you as in I love you not as a friend. I've always felt this way.. I just didn't know how to tell you. I didn't think their was ever a right time because I was worried about your depression and didn't want to stress you out or-"

"Nelson I love you too.. but why didn't you just tell me?" I whined.

"Because also I knew you were just getting over the fact that zander rejected you and went to live in New York. I didn't know how you'd take it. I've always felt like a stranger to you even though we're best friends"

"Listen, you have never been a stranger to me! And Zander was a stupid crush. I've always loved you, I just never thought I'd have the chance. If you want to help me, we can put this all behind us?"

"So will you be my girlfriend?" Nelson asked.

I nodded, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Yes"

Nelson smiled, crashing his lips onto mine. We stood for a while, kissing eachother passionately, before Nelson suddenly pulled away.

"I have something for you" he said, slipping his hand into his pocket.

He pulled out a new bottle of pills. I slapped my forehead, realising he had seen me bin them earlier.

"I'm sorry I threw them away.. but I guess I'll take them for you" I sighed.

Nelson shook his head, pushing the tablets in my hand.

"Oh I will make sure you do" he said firmly.

A tear rolled down my cheek as he pulled me back close to him again. I laid my head against his chest, feeling the warmth of his embrace.

"Thank you for never giving up on me" I whispered.

Nelson wrapped his arms around my wait, holding me tight.

"Stevie, I'll never leave. But let's go and pack a bag for you, and if you like you can spend the night at mine like we used to do, and I'll look after you, okay?"

I nodded, taking his hand as I lead him inside. Maybe I should learn to trust people more often. Nelson's right, I can't live my life in fear forever.

**A/N:**

**I apologize if this wasn't very good, but I tried my best at 1am! I don't even know how Nevie came around but, I just went along with it. As a couple they actually work!**

**The songfic was based on 'Fear & Loathing' by none other than my idol Marina & The Diamonds. It's the song I relate to the most out of all of her songs, and it means a lot to me. I tried my hardest to incoropate the lyrics and feel of the song into the fic, but if you don't understand anything, it might be best to watch the music video and then listen to the song/read the lyrics. It's a very strong song. I really wanted to do a fic on it and here it is. Thank you so much for reading. - Rissa **


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